I just talked to Stephanie (daughter) on the phone. She returned from her combo trip to Idaho (for a trade show) and Utah. She was tired, but always upbeat. As I was conversing and finding out the latest and greatest with Kaitlin, dogs and fires, I had incredible background music from my husband, David. His talents never cease to amaze me. My parents bestowed us kids with love of music and it has never wavered with me. For years (still do) I would sing along with the radio, much to the dismay of my parents/children/innocent riders. Often I forget the words which doesn't make me a very good candidate to preform in front of someone. Oh yeah, and the words I forget I just make up something that sorta sounds like the lyric. Maybe that is a talent too!
David started playing the guitar when he was 10. His family on his dad's side all had some honky tonk tunes in their back pocket and gave him his first "geetar". His mom shared with me that sometimes David would come out of his room with bloody fingers from playing so much. That was in the beginning, and his dedication has never faltered. I really understand that passion, which makes it even sweeter in my appreciation. My cooking falls in that same spectrum. Everyone should have at least one thing in life that never gets old, never fades or goes away.
Tonight he is just playing simple notes and melodies that are familiar to me but on his new Seagull guitar sound so good.
He defines himself as a musician. Not a guy who plays instruments, but an ingrained title of artistry.
They say if you don't use your talents you lose your talents. Well the opposite must be true, if you indulge your talents and make them part of your life, they increase. That has been the truth for David.
Maybe it is not so important if he is acknowledged in the world, or have articles written about him, multiple albums sold. Yes, it might help pay the bills, but the price of "selling out" (not concerts) to the "man" would take its toll.
You see I have learned a lot about artists by living with David. Art for art's sake is truly a mantra for many. Just the idea of creative juices flowing is enough for some people. They don't need the accolades.
I have encouraged David's exploration of music worlds. I thought it would be great for him to write a children's album...of "Blues for the Babies". Kids surely must have a case of down and outs from time to time. Maybe that is what is meant by "spilt milk".
How about an acoustic version of hymns?
He calls his music "sinnin' music" which limits what he can play for Ward potlucks (inside joke). But for the most part, his music is a total reflection of his view on the world. That may sound depressing, but David is a thoughtful man. His thoughts are his way of reaching out and connecting with someone who may be going through hard times. I know he has very tender spots in his heart and singing about them somehow protects him from getting hurt. But for me to analyze him on this blog might just embarrass him. Either that or he will go into complete denial... regardless I truly love my husband...sinnin' music and all.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Today I cried....
I cried today, which may not be unusual, because I have often been accused of being anatomically incorrect (kidneys behind my eyes).
But my tears were more of a child's hurt. You see, my mom is a demencia patient, often in a "15 second loop" for her conversations. Example: "Who was your father? What was his name? How long were we married? Are you married? Who was your father? What was his name? How long were we married? Are you married? " and so on. My confusion is that I never know what will set her off on a "loop". The loops are both positive "I sure like this ice cream. I remember when I was little and we could only have ice cream every few months. Chocolate is my favorite.I sure like this ice cream. I remember when I was little and we could only have ice cream every few months. Chocalate is my favorite." or take on a negative slant which I don't need to demonstrate.
Today, I stopped in to visit her at her assisted living home and she was in a foul mood. I could tell just by the reception I got. Immediately, she started in a loop of "I thought you were coming to take me home. Why can't I go home with you?I thought you were coming to take me home. Why can't I go home with you?"
When I tried to explain that THIS was her home, I was met with steely eyes, a sullen look, and the ever popular, "Fine! Just fine."
With a few rounds under her belt, she finally said, "We will not talk about this anymore". There was no pleasing her. No upbeat comments that she could digest. This is the part where I cry. Only I cry in the car. I don't ever let her see me upset. She wouldn't understand. My tears were created by so many elements. Being her sole support in this world, by that I mean, morale, transportation, financial administrator, health care consultant and reporter to her doctors, her only connection to her children (I call them to talk to her) and her sister ~ is a large job. Sometimes it feels too big for me. Any reprive I might have comes by not showing up as often to see her. And then the guilt creeps in. Finding the balance is not easy.
So crying was a reflection of my hurt, hurt at being scolded. At being wrong, once again. Reduced to a 6 year old in mischief, I left the home. Got in the car and cried. I don't like it when my mom is mad at me. I come from a generation that doesn't normally talk back to their elders. So for me to try and rationalize with her was pointless.
She is 87 years old ("How did I get to be this old?") and so her credits for age out weigh any anger I can express to her. She told me the other day that she was coming to the end of her days. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. Only because she doesn't know where she will end up. I told her I believed that she will see her husband, my dad, again. She says she wishes she could remember him better. "He will know you, so don't worry" I tell her. She believes that she has to take a run through pergatory first.... oh well.
I suppose that there are many reasons I can cry because of my mother. My choice is not at her funeral. Love is funny that way.
But my tears were more of a child's hurt. You see, my mom is a demencia patient, often in a "15 second loop" for her conversations. Example: "Who was your father? What was his name? How long were we married? Are you married? Who was your father? What was his name? How long were we married? Are you married? " and so on. My confusion is that I never know what will set her off on a "loop". The loops are both positive "I sure like this ice cream. I remember when I was little and we could only have ice cream every few months. Chocolate is my favorite.I sure like this ice cream. I remember when I was little and we could only have ice cream every few months. Chocalate is my favorite." or take on a negative slant which I don't need to demonstrate.
Today, I stopped in to visit her at her assisted living home and she was in a foul mood. I could tell just by the reception I got. Immediately, she started in a loop of "I thought you were coming to take me home. Why can't I go home with you?I thought you were coming to take me home. Why can't I go home with you?"
When I tried to explain that THIS was her home, I was met with steely eyes, a sullen look, and the ever popular, "Fine! Just fine."
With a few rounds under her belt, she finally said, "We will not talk about this anymore". There was no pleasing her. No upbeat comments that she could digest. This is the part where I cry. Only I cry in the car. I don't ever let her see me upset. She wouldn't understand. My tears were created by so many elements. Being her sole support in this world, by that I mean, morale, transportation, financial administrator, health care consultant and reporter to her doctors, her only connection to her children (I call them to talk to her) and her sister ~ is a large job. Sometimes it feels too big for me. Any reprive I might have comes by not showing up as often to see her. And then the guilt creeps in. Finding the balance is not easy.
So crying was a reflection of my hurt, hurt at being scolded. At being wrong, once again. Reduced to a 6 year old in mischief, I left the home. Got in the car and cried. I don't like it when my mom is mad at me. I come from a generation that doesn't normally talk back to their elders. So for me to try and rationalize with her was pointless.
She is 87 years old ("How did I get to be this old?") and so her credits for age out weigh any anger I can express to her. She told me the other day that she was coming to the end of her days. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. Only because she doesn't know where she will end up. I told her I believed that she will see her husband, my dad, again. She says she wishes she could remember him better. "He will know you, so don't worry" I tell her. She believes that she has to take a run through pergatory first.... oh well.
I suppose that there are many reasons I can cry because of my mother. My choice is not at her funeral. Love is funny that way.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Lazy hazy days of the first day of Summer
Nat King Cole is turning in his grave right now..I decimated the title of a very cute song.
"Lazy" days because of the heat!
Last Thursday it was 101 in Santa Cruz and for all of you NOT familiar with the weather pattern in Santa Cruz, that is too hot. If I went to the beach to get cooler, I would be harpooned as a beluga whale, so I had to be satisfied for a quick run in the sprinklers! David got a kitchen towel and soaked it in cold water and "surprised" me with the relief!
This brings up the subject of where I can live out the rest of my days, summer or not. We took a trip to North Carolina in April and announced that the weather was just fine, not too hot, or too cold... but good little Goldilocks perfect. Now I am not so sure I could live a summer there. Google has a cool tool where you can show the weather in another part of the country and keep a chart of your local weather right below.. compare and cheer, or groan depending on the forecast. Well, last week, Charlotte North Carolina was peaking at 99 degrees and 85 degrees humidity...hmm sticking to the furniture are you??? I lived those summers in Rhode Island with NO air conditioning in the home and it was not pretty. But everything we have looked at in real estate boldly claims to have air conditioning ~ should send a clue that if EVERY home has it, why?? Yep, hot summers.
Just yesterday, I looked at a home online which had an above ground pool. Does that mean the ground is too hot to dig for an in ground pool? House hunting online is great...in - out, no gas to travel in the quest. Quick judgement if you could live there or not. Square footage, size of lot and location are all part of the equation... but again, every home advertised says, "smoke alarm". Why? I don't know, but it seems logical that you wouldn't have to mention that as a selling feature unless homes in North Carolina are known for spontaneously bursting into flames, go figure!
Oh yes, and "hazy" because of all the fires going on around us. It started with the Mount Madonna fire( many acres) ; then the Bonny Doon fire (800 acres); and on Friday, the Trabing fire (named after the street it started on - and about 600 acres) which endangered many horses, cattle and wild life. The ash from Bonny Doon covered our cars in a sticky, ugly mess. Ted Bear used to say, "Hey don't worry about nuclear blasts, we still can't control fire!". How true. Some were set delibertly and some by nature's way. In fact, on my way home 10 days ago, there was a fire started on the side of the road near a county park. That was scary.
We are back to lazy today (Sunday) as the weather has given us a break and shows all the world why God prefers Santa Cruz to most anywhere else. He even tolerates the surfers, Boardwalk arcades and traffic X(times) eternity. All this to capture a lung full of slightly marine layer air, mixed with breezes on the 8 mile speed limit, crossed with just enough heat to knock all will to work out of you. Serene? you bet. I will miss this place...and I haven't even left yet!
"Lazy" days because of the heat!
Last Thursday it was 101 in Santa Cruz and for all of you NOT familiar with the weather pattern in Santa Cruz, that is too hot. If I went to the beach to get cooler, I would be harpooned as a beluga whale, so I had to be satisfied for a quick run in the sprinklers! David got a kitchen towel and soaked it in cold water and "surprised" me with the relief!
This brings up the subject of where I can live out the rest of my days, summer or not. We took a trip to North Carolina in April and announced that the weather was just fine, not too hot, or too cold... but good little Goldilocks perfect. Now I am not so sure I could live a summer there. Google has a cool tool where you can show the weather in another part of the country and keep a chart of your local weather right below.. compare and cheer, or groan depending on the forecast. Well, last week, Charlotte North Carolina was peaking at 99 degrees and 85 degrees humidity...hmm sticking to the furniture are you??? I lived those summers in Rhode Island with NO air conditioning in the home and it was not pretty. But everything we have looked at in real estate boldly claims to have air conditioning ~ should send a clue that if EVERY home has it, why?? Yep, hot summers.
Just yesterday, I looked at a home online which had an above ground pool. Does that mean the ground is too hot to dig for an in ground pool? House hunting online is great...in - out, no gas to travel in the quest. Quick judgement if you could live there or not. Square footage, size of lot and location are all part of the equation... but again, every home advertised says, "smoke alarm". Why? I don't know, but it seems logical that you wouldn't have to mention that as a selling feature unless homes in North Carolina are known for spontaneously bursting into flames, go figure!
Oh yes, and "hazy" because of all the fires going on around us. It started with the Mount Madonna fire( many acres) ; then the Bonny Doon fire (800 acres); and on Friday, the Trabing fire (named after the street it started on - and about 600 acres) which endangered many horses, cattle and wild life. The ash from Bonny Doon covered our cars in a sticky, ugly mess. Ted Bear used to say, "Hey don't worry about nuclear blasts, we still can't control fire!". How true. Some were set delibertly and some by nature's way. In fact, on my way home 10 days ago, there was a fire started on the side of the road near a county park. That was scary.
We are back to lazy today (Sunday) as the weather has given us a break and shows all the world why God prefers Santa Cruz to most anywhere else. He even tolerates the surfers, Boardwalk arcades and traffic X(times) eternity. All this to capture a lung full of slightly marine layer air, mixed with breezes on the 8 mile speed limit, crossed with just enough heat to knock all will to work out of you. Serene? you bet. I will miss this place...and I haven't even left yet!
Monday, June 16, 2008
The changes we make in our life....
Well, this is the third entry of my blog and I think I am getting the hang of it. I was scolded by my daughter for not entrying every day, but that discipline will take a while.
Change is one of those things that sometimes you embrace and other times it seeks you out, hunts you down, and attacks your will and bam! you have to change. I know some people claim they love change, but I think those few are the ones where they have avoided the 'pounching change dogs' and made the change just in time. I have changed my weight, my hair color, my employment (whew! lots'o'times), my name, my address (between ages 17 and 25 I moved 28 times!), the amount of my own teeth in my mouth, shoe sizes *see number one on this list*, my nail color, my share of diapers, my license plates, and occasionally my mind. I have reinvented myself several times in the work force and couple of times in my personal life.
My boss at work says we have to be "Gumbies" in real life...you know, flexible! I hope that I always keep the attitude of "change for the better" as the progression road to happiness. I have to say, I am happy. I have made many changes that have brought me happiness. One of the biggest ones is tolerance over things I can't change.
Change forces us to see perspective. Lots of perspective. Someone else's perspective. In a world where it is rough to find a port in the storm, finding a different perspective can really sooth the savage in us.
This is turning out to be "cliche" city and I am not sure that is my intent.
I know that looking back in my 58 years, I have resisted change and welcomed it. The best is when you see it coming, acknowledge it, hold on tight and scream if you have to ~ but remember it will be over soon and then you get to do it again!!! Roller coasters, life and change!
Change is one of those things that sometimes you embrace and other times it seeks you out, hunts you down, and attacks your will and bam! you have to change. I know some people claim they love change, but I think those few are the ones where they have avoided the 'pounching change dogs' and made the change just in time. I have changed my weight, my hair color, my employment (whew! lots'o'times), my name, my address (between ages 17 and 25 I moved 28 times!), the amount of my own teeth in my mouth, shoe sizes *see number one on this list*, my nail color, my share of diapers, my license plates, and occasionally my mind. I have reinvented myself several times in the work force and couple of times in my personal life.
My boss at work says we have to be "Gumbies" in real life...you know, flexible! I hope that I always keep the attitude of "change for the better" as the progression road to happiness. I have to say, I am happy. I have made many changes that have brought me happiness. One of the biggest ones is tolerance over things I can't change.
Change forces us to see perspective. Lots of perspective. Someone else's perspective. In a world where it is rough to find a port in the storm, finding a different perspective can really sooth the savage in us.
This is turning out to be "cliche" city and I am not sure that is my intent.
I know that looking back in my 58 years, I have resisted change and welcomed it. The best is when you see it coming, acknowledge it, hold on tight and scream if you have to ~ but remember it will be over soon and then you get to do it again!!! Roller coasters, life and change!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Second day at the races
Well, here I am on the second day blog. Something tells me this might be easier if I wasn't questioning the "ego" of this activity. But knowing this can also be interpeted as journaling, I will forge forward and add some insight into "Life in Santa Cruz".
Today was another hot one... with it hitting 85 degrees here. Fortunately we have the marine layer come in at about 7 p.m. and all is well.
I had an interesting day at work, it seems with the close down of the company looming over our heads, there are more execs "arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic" than not. Funny, the company is going away completely, and they are concerned with the pecking order. I left early and went to a doctor appointment. While I was there, I told the doc that my last couple of months are not going as planned. Starting on April 30th, with a phone call at 5 a.m. from the ER doctor telling me that my mom "was on the knife's edge, I don't know if I can save her!" ... so rushing to Dominican I see her in congestive heart failure, pneumonia and barely breathing. We got thru that one and her 6 day stay in the hospital. She goes back to her home, only to fall 4 days later, get re-hospitalized for 4 days then on to a rehab center for 2 weeks. Oh, also on March 27th, I was rear ended on Highway 17 on my way home from work... March 30th, yep~ hit again coming home from the pharmacy with a drug that I was supposed to be using to elevate my 'good' cholestral (which didn't work, just made me flush bright red). So, two accidents within 4 days. Yeah, things were not going to good and I shared that with the doctor today. He didn't have much to say, except. " Sounds like you have had a hard time of it". Ya think? But I also had a chance to share with him my basic philosophy is that my mother continues to teach me even at 87 years old. Things that are not tangible... like patience, compassion and unconditional love. She gives me plenty of opportunity to grow and learn. I love it!
I should interject that April was not a complete bust... David and I went to North Carolina on a 'fact finding' trip and had a wonderful time. We learned about the area and found out where we DON'T want to live. Scott (son#2) has a beautiful home and seems happy with his choice. There are plenty of houses for sale and it will be hard to choose, but we will have a good time trying.
My birthday in early May was fun!
So here we are in the middle of June, and life in Santa Cruz is good. And I am signing off for the time being....
Blog on!
Today was another hot one... with it hitting 85 degrees here. Fortunately we have the marine layer come in at about 7 p.m. and all is well.
I had an interesting day at work, it seems with the close down of the company looming over our heads, there are more execs "arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic" than not. Funny, the company is going away completely, and they are concerned with the pecking order. I left early and went to a doctor appointment. While I was there, I told the doc that my last couple of months are not going as planned. Starting on April 30th, with a phone call at 5 a.m. from the ER doctor telling me that my mom "was on the knife's edge, I don't know if I can save her!" ... so rushing to Dominican I see her in congestive heart failure, pneumonia and barely breathing. We got thru that one and her 6 day stay in the hospital. She goes back to her home, only to fall 4 days later, get re-hospitalized for 4 days then on to a rehab center for 2 weeks. Oh, also on March 27th, I was rear ended on Highway 17 on my way home from work... March 30th, yep~ hit again coming home from the pharmacy with a drug that I was supposed to be using to elevate my 'good' cholestral (which didn't work, just made me flush bright red). So, two accidents within 4 days. Yeah, things were not going to good and I shared that with the doctor today. He didn't have much to say, except. " Sounds like you have had a hard time of it". Ya think? But I also had a chance to share with him my basic philosophy is that my mother continues to teach me even at 87 years old. Things that are not tangible... like patience, compassion and unconditional love. She gives me plenty of opportunity to grow and learn. I love it!
I should interject that April was not a complete bust... David and I went to North Carolina on a 'fact finding' trip and had a wonderful time. We learned about the area and found out where we DON'T want to live. Scott (son#2) has a beautiful home and seems happy with his choice. There are plenty of houses for sale and it will be hard to choose, but we will have a good time trying.
My birthday in early May was fun!
So here we are in the middle of June, and life in Santa Cruz is good. And I am signing off for the time being....
Blog on!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
In the beginning.....
It seems I have gone the way of my daughter and started a blog.
That being said, I have to bring up the whole "security" words used here and in other sites..you know the "type the word as you see it to get further into this site" words presented in outlined boxes. Well, I am here to say that those words don't exist. I just used ~ 'gumade' and 'attizb' to get this far and I have never heard of these words let along know what they mean. It reminds me of a sick game I used to do as a child (rather annoying then too) where at bedtime in the lower bunk (*I hated that) I would bait my sister by saying, "Chris, what does xrerbc spell?" at which point she being very tired would exasperately say, "Nothing". "Ok, what does weruikl spell?" Answer from Chris? "Nothing". Here is the punch.... "I thought xrerbc spelled 'nothing'". On and on I would go until the "MOTHER!!!" cut off call from Chris and then I would pretend to be blissfully asleep. I am thoroughly surprized I lived to tell that story!
I live in Santa Cruz, CA with my wonderful, patient and talented husband of over 7 years, David.
I have lived in Santa Cruz twice. Once from 1982 to 1992 and then again from 2002 until now. It is truly a wonderful, magical place. Full of diversity (another word for nuts) and incrediable landscape.
I always have taken this area for granted until I lived in Rhode Island, an equally "diverse" place but with seasons like Spring, Summer, Fall and WINTER! I did like that part believe it or not and sometimes I just sit in my shower with the water barely running to remind myself of the humidity and heat. Ahh yes, Rhode Island.
I also lived in the "armpit" of California, Modesto for 11 weeks until the cultural police came and took me back to San Francisco. Spent some time there before settling into Redwood City where I started my culinary career. Unlikely place, but it worked and I was a professional food person in various roles for over 25 years.
I suppose I will continue this blog as the memories, thoughts and war stories continue. Until next time, remember, you too can indulge in new sport of baring all!!!
Until next time, be a terrific pig...ah I mean have a great day!
That being said, I have to bring up the whole "security" words used here and in other sites..you know the "type the word as you see it to get further into this site" words presented in outlined boxes. Well, I am here to say that those words don't exist. I just used ~ 'gumade' and 'attizb' to get this far and I have never heard of these words let along know what they mean. It reminds me of a sick game I used to do as a child (rather annoying then too) where at bedtime in the lower bunk (*I hated that) I would bait my sister by saying, "Chris, what does xrerbc spell?" at which point she being very tired would exasperately say, "Nothing". "Ok, what does weruikl spell?" Answer from Chris? "Nothing". Here is the punch.... "I thought xrerbc spelled 'nothing'". On and on I would go until the "MOTHER!!!" cut off call from Chris and then I would pretend to be blissfully asleep. I am thoroughly surprized I lived to tell that story!
I live in Santa Cruz, CA with my wonderful, patient and talented husband of over 7 years, David.
I have lived in Santa Cruz twice. Once from 1982 to 1992 and then again from 2002 until now. It is truly a wonderful, magical place. Full of diversity (another word for nuts) and incrediable landscape.
I always have taken this area for granted until I lived in Rhode Island, an equally "diverse" place but with seasons like Spring, Summer, Fall and WINTER! I did like that part believe it or not and sometimes I just sit in my shower with the water barely running to remind myself of the humidity and heat. Ahh yes, Rhode Island.
I also lived in the "armpit" of California, Modesto for 11 weeks until the cultural police came and took me back to San Francisco. Spent some time there before settling into Redwood City where I started my culinary career. Unlikely place, but it worked and I was a professional food person in various roles for over 25 years.
I suppose I will continue this blog as the memories, thoughts and war stories continue. Until next time, remember, you too can indulge in new sport of baring all!!!
Until next time, be a terrific pig...ah I mean have a great day!
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